The Conversation

All responses are available here!

DISCLAIMER: Many submissions have content regarding self-harm, suicide, and other sensitive topics.

I keep seeing everybody trying to make guys being vulnerable a more socially acceptable thing, and I agree. But still, I feel like I am treated differently if I show emotion, even by the people who preach that men should be able to show emotion. Life has been so hard but I can’t get myself to cry even when I’m completely alone because I am ashamed to be weak. I hate feeling this way. I’m confused. What can I do?

Hey there bro. Firstly, I just want to let you know that you are unbelievably strong for coming on here and saying this, for seeking help, and for overcoming all the obstacles you have overcome. I admire you greatly, and I promise you, you are not weak. Not at all. I first read this submission in my email inbox a few days ago, and it struck a very strong chord with me.

When I started Advice with Amin, a lot of it was for this precise reason. Of course, it is a safe place for women to come as well, and if you scroll down, I would say most of the submissions are by women. However, I think that this precisely indicates how deep our cold conditioning of men goes. While a lot of the dynamics regarding men and women are the result of evolution and biology, it cannot be denied that we have conditioned generations of men and women to believe that the value of men is their strength, their rage, their stability, and their ability to bottle up their emotions and be stoic for others. Although men and women are naturally different, these differences have been overwhelmingly overemphasized by our social constructs. It has been heavily publicized over the last decade or two how these constructs greatly damage women, but what so many fail to recognize is how these expectations affect men.

Although we are moving away from these damaging ideas about how things should be, they are still prevalent. I would be lying if a great portion of my identity and ambitions aren’t rooted in the toxic form of masculinity that I was indoctrinated with from a young age by the music, media, and actions of those around me. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have most of my success in gaining respect from other men and women when I display my rage, hide my vulnerability, etc. Again, I think some of this is rooted in the deeply tribal and primitive mechanisms working in our brains, which is why society developed in such a way in the first place. However, we know how important our experiences are in shaping who we are, and we know that our culture has put maniacal, cold, and distant men on a pedestal for generations. As a result, we have collectively internalized a lot of these norms and expectations. We as a society are working to change this for future generations, and as I am sure you are aware, we are fighting intensely about the best way to do that, but nonetheless, we are attempting.

I am unsure about the specifications of your individual experience and upbringing, but I do know you are suffering greatly as a result of the hugely conflicting expectations that society has set on you as a man in 2021. I want you to know that you are most definitely not alone. There are countless men out there trying to cry but failing to. There are countless men out there who feel profound, deep, emotion but have no idea how to express it. You are not weak as a result of your emotion. Your emotion is what makes you strong. Your desire to feel, your empathy, your nostalgia: it is who you are and it is incredible. If you take anything away from this, I want it to be that. No matter what anyone says about you or to you, I can assure you, that those emotions are valid, important, and just about the farthest thing from weak that I can imagine.

Most psychologists agree that men feel emotions just as strongly as women and that any variance is the result of societal gender roles (as mentioned above), and not biology. It is completely natural, it is completely valid, and it does not make you any less of a man. Hell, in my opinion, it makes you more of one; being able to consciously try to break free of the chains society has placed upon you. I still haven’t done it, not at all, but I am trying. And the fact that you submitted this proves you are trying too. I am proud of you bro.

So cry if you want to and know that it does not make you any less of a man. Or don’t cry; that is okay too. It is all okay. You make your own rules. You define what being a man is to you. You are enough, no matter what. Your emotions are valid, no matter what. It may not feel like it at times, but I promise you that it is true.

Keep your head up bro, you got this. I really wish the best for you and am always here. Feel free to reach out if you need anything at all. There is a button with Additional Resources at the top right corner, so feel free to use that if you need to. I know you’re gonna do incredible things, and really admire your reflection. The future is bright bro. Everything will be okay.

Is it hard for you to be the one giving advice? Do you feel like a false hero who is flawed yet depended upon? Is it important to aspire for idealism rather than understand the true outcome of reality?

Hello there! This is a wonderful set of questions. I think there are a lot of different angles I can look at it from and a lot of different ways I can answer it. First things first, yes, I do think it is difficult to give advice. truth be told, the reason I started Advice with Amin was to provide others with an opportunity to be wholeheartedly listened to and supported despite any underlying circumstances. Other than instances that specifically ask for rational advice in a scenario, it is much less about providing reason and more about providing a positive and new outlook in which the individual can ultimately make their own positive decisions and be more content. Personally, I have felt alone a lot in my life. I have spent a lot of time alone. there have been so many times when I needed to be listened to. in a lot of ways, I think listening to others helps me just as much as it helps anyone else. It makes me smile to hear I helped someone; it fulfills me in a way nothing else can. it makes me feel empathy, it makes me feel a deep connection to others because, in one way or another, I am likely going through similarly conflicting emotions as they are. we are all human.

I don’t feel like a hero at all. I think that what I do is important, but I think a lot of it is much less about me and what I say in return and much more about providing individuals with a platform to vent openly and honestly in a society that has overwhelmed and burdened them with sensations that are hard to confront and can be impossible to talk about openly with anyone. I am extremely flawed, but everyone and everything is flawed. Our idealistic view of “perfection” is a pursuit catalyzed by our human condition. It is glamorous but ultimately unrealistic. You can always find a bad angle if you zoom out enough. You can always find a good angle if you zoom out enough. If you zoom out farther, eventually, everything becomes abstract and obsolete. In my opinion, it’s much more about where you are standing than what you are seeing.

This is why I feel Advice with Amin is important. For the thousands of messages I have received over the last year, many have been situations in which the person did something that could entirely be construed as morally wrong, and needed advice about how to deal with the ramifications, whether it is a punishment from parents or law enforcement or internal guilt and damaged sense of self. I have no doubt that there are people out there who consider many of the individuals who have come and asked for advice in their hour of need to be bad people. I have no doubt that there are people out there who consider me to be a bad person. Despite all this, to me, when someone comes to me searching for help, they are a person who has possibly made questionable decisions but is doing the best they can and deserves unwavering support. they aren’t a bad person. To them, I’m the advice guy, I’m not a bad person. But in someone’s story out there, they are the villain, and I am the villain as well. Once again, it really all depends on your perspective. That is why I try to see things from as objective of a perspective as I humanly can when listening for Advice with Amin. It’s not my job to judge, it’s not my job to understand the “true outcome of reality”, because the true outcome of reality is entirely different depending on where you are standing. It’s about providing individuals with a sense of safety, security, and guidance in a cruel world full of equally traumatized people that will attempt to monetize, manipulate, and misguide them.

Both in this role I have as a community listener and in the grander scheme of life, I think it is important to aspire for idealism. reality is not as set in stone as it may seem, people are not “good” or “bad”. Kanye West said that we are all actors playing out a script that we cannot understand. we are strung along by forces that are more complex than i can fathom; but that doesn’t mean that we can’t recognize that this is the case and aspire to provide others with a sense of comfort and connection when they need it most despite the fact that i will never truly be able to give objectively “perfect” advice.

To fully answer your final question, you ask if it is more important to aspire for idealism rather than to understand the true outcome of reality. I have conveyed that I feel as if reality is more pliable than we are often able to consciously recognize and that aspiring for idealism and actively attempting to see reality (especially in this role I have in Advice with Amin) from a place of empathy, understanding, compassion, and optimism is the best way to ultimately create a collectively better “outcome of reality”.

However, i also think that the entire point of this response would be diluted if I said that my answer was the only right answer to that question. It is your choice to decide what matters to you. you shape the outcome of your reality, because at the end of the day, you are the only one experiencing your reality. It is up to you to decide.

Really awesome questions. I really enjoyed them; I don’t often get questions like these here but I’m always happy to answer. It’s nice to reflect on why I do this, what I can be doing better, and really ask myself questions that I must be asking in order to be providing the best platform I can. keep asking questions like this; not just to me, but to yourself. to those around you.

Have a wonderful day! Always here if you need anything.

I don’t even know how to explain it. In short words I’ll say that all I feel is emptiness and that I am unable to get help. My parents blame me for everything and nobody loves me, not In a romantic way, but just as a person. I feel like all of my friends just don’t like me even when they say they do. I always have to do everything by myself; growing up, that’s all I did. I don’t even remember the past 10 years of my childhood because I didn’t have one. By me saying I’m constantly being blamed for everything, I mean getting punished too. I live in such a physically and mentally abusive household, especially my parents, I have nothing. They won’t let me talk to anyone about anything. I have been begging for about five years to get a therapist, five years ago I realized all I started to feel was sadness and emptiness and I don’t know how to fix it. Ii really don’t know what words to use. I just feel useless to people. Super useless. I don’t wanna feel like I’m bothering my friends with my problems because things happens almost daily and I feel bad putting it all on them. I feel like my life is worthless.

Hello there. Firstly, I need to redirect you to the Additional Resources button at the top right-hand side of the page. If your feelings of depression and hopelessness are negatively impacting your life in a substantial way, please reach out and seek professional help. If you live in a home that is unsafe for your physical and mental health, please visit that page and seek out resources that can get you to a safer place. You deserve help. You deserve unconditional love. I promise that this gets better. Your life is not worthless. Your past is not worthless. You have gone through so much, and the fact that you have persevered through all of it is more admirable than I can put into words. Abusive parents can be extremely hard, and the fact that they refrain from providing proper psychological help for you is difficult to deal with. I would recommend speaking with a school counselor if this resource is available to you. That way, you don’t have to go through your parents, and a professional can still listen to you and attempt to take the steps needed to help you. Also, www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists has a lot of individuals who struggle with abusive parents, and also has a lot of strategies and good dialogue regarding how to deal with them. Hopefully this resource can help, too.

I am sure you are so much more loved than you know. I am certain of it. I am certain that you will meet people in the future who will have been worth the wait, and who will make you feel like you belong. I am certain that with time, growth, and perspective, you will begin to understand what fulfills you, and that you will understand just how special your past, your journey, and you as a person really are. Hang in there. You’re at a low point, but that means that the high points you will experience down the road will be even sweeter.

And about not wanting to worry anyone by opening up, I understand. This is something I struggle with, too. Ultimately, I think it is important for us to remember how cruel our brains can be, and how much we like to live in our own heads. You deserve to be listened to. If they are truly your friends, I am sure they want nothing but the best for you. If they don’t, then you deserve a better community, and with time you will find them and feel heard. And of course, I am always here.

Good luck my friend. Everything will come full circle and everything will be okay.

I feel like my friends use me for money, things, and rides. What can I do to change this?

Hello. Thank you for the submission. This is a hard position to be in, and a lot of it has to do with how vague and hard to define it can be. If you offer too much of what you have to friends, acquaintances, strangers, etc., you end up feeling used, and are made out as a “pushover”, with your kindness being taken as weakness. On the other hand, if you don’t offer enough, they’ll say you aren’t “real” and don’t respect you for the opposite reason. Not to mention the fact that nearly every social group, culture, etc. has different expectations for what is too much and what is too little. I admire you for being generous with your friends, and I admire your good intentions. You deserve more than to be used for the material objects that you are offering them, and you deserve more than conditional friendship. One way to counteract this is to begin to refrain from sharing as much as you are. It can be hard, especially if you are used to being selfless, but it is important. The reaction your friends have to this will say a lot about their intentions; and whether they have good intentions, are just appreciating your kindness a little too much and realize they might be taking it too far, or whether they have bad intentions and are truly and wholeheartedly taking advantage of you. At the end of the day, I want to reinforce the idea that you deserve more than friends who will love you conditionally. You deserve friends who would still ride with you if you had nothing. Those are the bonds that usually stand the test of time, and whether that is the friends you currently have or friends you have yet to discover, I promise that you will find them and you do deserve them. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself, and don’t let them guilt you into feeling like you are not a good person for protecting what you have worked for and your emotions.

I’m talking to this guy right now and things are going well, but I tend to overthink things a lot and I’m scared he’s playing me or trying to get me attached just to leave. I like him a lot, and I can tell he likes me a little too, but I just can’t stop overthinking it. And he goes hours without texting me so it’s hard to know if he’s leaving me on delivered on purpose or if he’s genuinely just busy. He always lets me know though and apologizes and seems genuine so I think i’m definitely overthinking it. Earlier he called me just to tell me he misses me so I think I’m getting somewhere with him. Do you have any advice on how to make the process go faster? Or what to do when I’m hanging out with him? Or things that can make me more appealing to him (personality wise)? Any advice or tips will help.

Hey there. Thanks for the submission! In truth, there is not much I can say that you probably hasn’t been said to you already or ran through your head already. In my opinion, there is a very fine line that we have to walk when we talk about romance. We try to be considerate and vulnerable with our (potential) partners, making compromises when necessary and understanding that they have flaws and that no one is perfect. However, we also have to try to protect our emotions and interests, and understand that not everyone will be as understanding of you as you are of them. From the sounds of it, he is trying not to “simp” (for lack of better word), and play hard to get a bit, but he also likes you (as he has shown when he shows he cares). I can’t say entirely, as there are many other variables that aren’t listed here that could shape my opinion, but I think you are in a good place as long as you don’t give him too much leverage over you. If he takes hours to reply, don’t reply in 30 seconds. It isn’t a matter of being petty, but moreso a matter of self-respect and once again - protecting your emotions (as I previously stated). You clearly want the best for this guy, and without hearing his perspective it’s hard for me to say what his intentions are. Just keep being yourself and trying to keep a balance in your “relationship”. Lastly; it sounds cliche but I certainly wouldn’t do anything to make yourself more appealing to him. If he is worth it, you are enough without any tips I can give. Just try to be understanding, be there for him, and make sure he knows how much you care WHILE still trying to keep that balance. A good action to take would be to call him in a few days and tell him you miss him too. Reciprocating that action would surely be greatly appreciated, and wouldn’t put you in too vulnerable of a place as he already did the same thing. All in all, there are so many more variables that would contribute to what he may be feeling and what actions you could take, so it is hard for me to give any specific advice with any certainty. However, from my perspective you are doing great and I think you guys have a great chance. If it is meant to be it’ll be. If not, it’ll be a great learning experience and something I am sure you will look back on with a smile. You got this no matter what. Good luck!

I feel like I won’t find true love. I have this feeling I won’t ever be truly happy. How do I stop thinking these things?

Hey there. First off, I am very sorry that you are feeling this way. It can be a very hard feeling to deal with, but I know that you will get through it. I assume you are young, probably around my age. At this age, our psyche is often clouded by hormones and adolescence. I am sure many reading struggle with this, and I certainly do. Love is a funny thing, but you are just as deserving of it as everyone else. I assure you that things in your love life will work out the way they are meant to in the long run. The digital world we live in, in which everyone is trying to paint this picture of their perfect life (and perfect love life) online makes it hard to properly analyze ourselves and our current situations without looking over our shoulder at what our peers are posting online. I imagine this contributes to much of your current feeling, and I will be the first to say that it affects me when I am feeling lonely. This, of course, is not your fault, and is simply the natural reaction to the content you may or may not be consuming (for all I know you don’t have a phone). It can be so easy to get in your own head and get into a vicious and cyclical thought process regarding love, the future, and the uncertainty of it all. However, I am here to assure you right now that that will NOT happen to you. You are going to be okay. You will be able to love yourself because you deserve that; and in due time; the romantic partner that is meant for you will realize this and love you too. This will certainly make you truly happy, but so will other things. Life is incredible, and you are capable of so much. What it is that you want to be proud of? What would make you happy? I encourage you to ask yourself these questions, and begin as soon as you can to work towards these goals. The romance will come with it. The fulfillment will come with it. It is all going to be okay; hold onto hope and keep persevering and soon enough these thoughts will be replaced with bliss. You got this.

Hey you probably don’t remember me so I’m not going to say my name but I’ve been through physical abuse by family and the guy that I thought cared for me. To this day I have nightmares about it. I feel like I’m all caught up in the past constantly and I don’t know how to get out. They have already diagnosed me with anxiety and depression but I can never say what I’m actually feeling without someone getting in trouble. Things have stopped for about a year but each time that they yell or get angry I get scared and feel like I’m backed up into a corner. I’m sorry for laying it down like this I’m just tired of feeling this way and I don’t know what to do.

Firstly, you are extremely brave and strong for being able to say all this. You don’t have to apologize, I am here to listen to you. It is okay. I am so sorry that you went through the abuse that you went through, especially from people that you thought you could trust. It is good that you were able to get the diagnoses, and I hope that you are getting the professional help you need right now. You have experienced a lot of trauma, and it seems as if you have not been able to work through that trauma in a healthy way due to the environment you have found yourself in. However, this is not your fault, even if those around you try to get angry and lay it on you. I promise. You are the result of everything that has happened to you, and by applying that same logic, things that are going to happen will affect future you. What aspects of your future you have control of? Based on your response, I am unsure. I don’t know your age so I assume you still live at home and are a teenager based off your response. If this is the case, maintain the hope and intrigue in the fact that you will soon be able to distance from the family members making your trauma worse and can live your own life. As for your current happiness, I recommend doing your best to find trustworthy people to talk to; whether that is friends, licensed counselors, or other family members. Those who won’t judge you or make you feel like you have to back yourself into a corner. As soon as you can start coming to terms with the trauma you have gone through and can start shifting your paradigm and perspective, you can do anything. Your trauma will go from being the thing holding you back the most, to being something you know that you were able to work through and something that motivates you to keep moving forward. You deserve to feel better than you feel right now. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You will get there. You deserve to be happy and what has happened to you and your current emotions are important and do not take away at all from how amazing you are. They’re all part of your stories, and with these lows, you will be able to truly appreciate the many highs that will come as you navigate life and find your way. Much love, good luck!

My 7th grade best friend killed herself last year in school. I haven’t been able to forgive myself cause I wasn’t always there for her and if I was then she’d still be here with me.

Above all else, I am so unbelievably sorry that you have had to go through this loss. Death is such a traumatic experience, especially when it is someone close to you, and even more so when they were so young and taken so tragically. You are so, so strong for being able to ask for help. Before I get into any specifics regarding your situation, I want you to know that you will get through these emotions and that you will come out of all of this stronger. Now; I see that you are directing some of the blame for this onto yourself. For certain personality types, this is the natural reaction to a tragedy such as the one you are going through, and it can be incredibly painful and detrimental. From an unbiased perspective, I want you to know that you are not at fault for her death in anyway. Life is far too complicated to pin the blame on you. You never intended for this to happen, and it has brought you great pain. Her death, while tragic, is not on your hands. Once you are able to acknowledge this, grieving will become easier. Once you are able to forgive yourself for any mistakes in your friendship with her and fully internalize that the variables and factors that led to this tragic event were not in your control, you will be able to begin healing. It is traumatic to lose someone, and I encourage you not to undermine what you are going through. I personally have gone through a lot of loss this year, and my most valuable takeaway has been to enjoy life while I have it and make sure that those who I care about know how much I care about them. I encourage you to ponder these concepts, and maybe incorporate them into your psyche and life. They help me to deal with the loss I have experienced. All in all, you are going to get through this. Your friend would be proud of all the things you are going to do in life. I am so sorry for your loss. I am always here for you. You are loved.

Additional resources are available at the top of this page next to the “Examples” tab.

I’ve been dating someone for about a month now, and we’re both leaving for college pretty soon. We decided to stay in contact but not have a long distance relationship. I feel like keeping contact with someone you really like but seeing them date other people is a really bad idea. I know for a fact it’s gonna hurt me a lot mentally and emotionally, but I also don’t wanna completely cut them out of my life. Advice?

First of all, congrats on graduating. I still got a year to go, but I moved away for a year in my sophomore year of high school, and have seen a lot of my friends go through what you are describing, so I totally understand how this can be a very difficult dilemma. It sounds like you certainly have some fairly strong emotions for this person. It can certainly be hard to let go of someone that you feel such a bond to, but I have personally found that people tend to return to our lives if they are meant to. For your own happiness, I recommend a fair amount of distance. Try to get truly integrated in your life at college, and don’t let the thought of them continue to affect the way you make decisions or think about your future. Once you completely let go of any expectation regarding this person, then anything that may come in the future will just be a pleasant surprise. Letting them go doesn’t mean hating them or writing off any possibility of having them in your life again, but it does allow you to be content with the idea that there is no guarantee that they will be in your life again. I don’t know all of the circumstances, but I am sure this is very difficult for both of you and that you both want the best for each other. All in all, I recommend “cutting them off”, but still wishing the best for them and maybe checking in and making sure they are doing well every once in a while once you feel able to. It might be difficult, and you might miss them, but it will be worth it and I personally feel those emotions are better than the alternative. However, you ultimately know yourself and your partner best, and I am sure you guys will make the right decision regarding what to do. You guys will be okay, and what is meant to happen will happen. I promise. Good luck with your relationship and in college!

I've been thinking about suicide a lot recently and I know I can't put my family through that but life hurts. I feel so alone even with people around me and I feel like I kill other people's vibes because i'm sad all the time so I try to fake the happiness but it doesn't help me feel happy.

Firstly, I am very sorry you are in such a challenging head-space right now. You are extremely resilient for being able to reach out for help. Additionally, I find it very selfless and impressive that you want to continue living due to the pain your death would cause your family. This shows a lot about your character. However, you deserve stability and the ability to love yourself, two things that your response indicates that you are lacking right now. This issue is a matter of perspective, and I promise that with the proper action steps, you can shift your paradigm and find fulfillment. Some combination of your genetics, childhood, and past experiences have led you to feeling the way you do about the world right now and have developed the perspective you currently experience. I recommend attempting to learn about yourself, and ask yourself why it is you feel lonely around others and insecure about how you come off? I would try to ask yourself why you feel the need to fake happiness, and what it is that would make you happy? Even if it is difficult to answer these questions right now or find hope, it is okay. As you gain momentum and your paradigm begins to shift, things will become more clear and you will gain hope. You deserve to be happy, and coming to terms with why you are not happy will likely lead you to understanding what would make you happy. Also; I recommend trying to get involved in a new community. Finding a new job or starting a new hobby if you have time for it and it fits into your current life are a great way to meet people, learn about yourself, and see the world from a new perspective. All in all, you are stuck in a difficult perspective right now, and it makes it hard for you to love life and love yourself. However, this is simply the result of the flawed reward system in your brain. You are special, you are loved, and you deserve to love yourself. Do not lose hope, and I am certain that someday you will make it where you want to go, even if you can’t see it right now. Lastly, I recommend talking with someone you trust about this. Whether that is your parents, a best friend, a family member, etc. It sounds like this issue affects you in your daily life, which means that you could certainly benefit from professional help if you are not already. You got this, and remember that I am always here as well! Good luck!

Additional resources are available at the top of this page next to the “Examples” tab.

I have trust issues and overthink but my girl is always giving me reassurance and is loyal. How do I work on these issues?

This is a tough one, but I greatly admire you for being able to acknowledge your own flaws and wanting to work on them. You are halfway there. Secondly, your trust issues are the likely the result of past trauma that has convinced your brain that being skeptical is the best course of action. They can be problematic, but they do not make you a bad person and can certainly be worked on. The more your girl gives you reassurance and is loyal, the easier it will become to trust her. You already have the right mindset, and I am sure that you have the capability to overcome these concerns and find trust in your relationship. Lastly, I would recommend communicating this with your partner very specifically. Considering she gives reassurance, I assume you have already done this. However, I would just make sure that she knows this is something you struggle with and are working on, and that any mistakes you make are not a reflection on her. Good luck!

I have been cheated on or left so many times that I am starting to forget my worth and not love myself. I’ve been feeling super insecure lately and don’t know what to do.

Firstly, I am very sorry that you have been let down and cheated on. It is an extremely hard place to be in, but I am confident that you will get through it and come out of it stronger and wiser. It is important to remember that those moments do not represent you. The fact that you got cheated on is not at all an indication of you as a person; it is an indication of the toxic traits and tendencies of your ex. It is natural to feel insecurities due to traumatic events such as the ones you have been through. However, you are worth so much more than these insecurities. You deserve happiness, and you are loved. Do not let individuals who were not able to see how special you are define your own self-worth. You are worth so much more than their misguided actions of the past, and with time, I promise that this will become more and more clear. You got this. The world is yours. It’s gonna be okay.